Low Carb Pumpkin Chiffon Pie

Made this for Thanksgiving. The crust was amazing, such a good analog for a graham cracker crust both in texture and a little bit in flavor. I used an amalgamation of a few different recipes, this is just what worked best for me.

Keto/Low Carb Pumpkin Chiffon Pie

Crust:

1c pecan cookie pieces

1c almond flour

4T melted butter

1-3T cinnamon (I like it heavy on the cinnamon)

Mix all the ingredients together thoroughly and press into a pie plate evenly using the under side of a measuring cup. Bake at 350 for 10 minutes, let cool 30 minutes before filling.

Filling:

12oz cream cheese

7.6oz (1 can) table cream

15oz pumpkin

sweeteners of choice to taste, I used:

1/2c Swerve

20 drops stevia (I used vanilla creme)

3 pumps torani pumpkin pie sugar free syrup

spices of choice, I used:

2T cinnamon

1/2t ginger

1/2t nutmeg

1/2t allspice

1/4t cloves

Mix table cream, cheese, and sweetener(s) until smooth. Incorporate pumpkin and spices. Pour into crust and cool in fridge 6 hrs or overnight, or freezer 2 hours if you’re in a rush.

Next time I make this, I'm going to use a half teaspoon of gelatin constituted in the Torani syrup for five minutes, and then blend it in during the sweetener adding stage. I was a little less than thrilled with how the filling sagged after the first slice was cut, and I think a little gelatin would help consistency without taking away from flavor.

Keeping this around in the fridge has kept me from doing too much in the way of cheating at all the holiday events and parties we have goign on.

Chai Latte Panna Cotta

I was diagnosed with PCOS in March. Since then, I've been eating a ketogenic diet, so all of my foods have become laced with alternative sweeteners, sugar alcohols, stevia, and lots and lots of fat. I'm down two stone so far, which is the most I've ever lost in my life, and I'm totally okay with it. It's still just weird and not yet to the "this is so awesome all the time" place in my head.

Gelatin seems to be such a good ingredient that I wasn't eating a lot, certainly not for as much as I miss the jigglers of my youth. I recently discovered it again, and it's taken some adjustment to get the ratios right, but I think I have it down. A client brought me an iced tea flavor that was nice and viscous and lightly sweetened, but it was a little plain. I would've brewed the tea stronger, maybe added some lemon, or steeped lemon in the strong tea. I immediately thought of a coconut panna cotta I'd made the week before, with less gelatin and a little more liquid, that was pretty tasty, and how tasty it'd be if I combined the two into a chai latte flavor.

2 cups water
1/4 cup water, in a small bowl
1 can full fat, no sugar added coconut cream
2 packets gelatin
1 family size tea bag
1 bag cinnamon spice tea
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 thumb size piece of ginger, sliced thin
5 drops vanilla liquid stevia
erythritol to taste (I started with 1 tbsp of Swerve brand granulated)
spices to taste - (I used whole star anise, cinnamon sticks, cardamom pods, cloves, and allspice, but fennel seed, black pepper, pink pepper, etc would all be good)

Bring the two cups of water to a boil, add the tea bags, spices, and ginger, and leave to steep. If necessary for the type of gelatin, add the packets of gelatin to the 1/4 cup water to let it start gelling. Once the tea has steeped dark enough (to taste it should be very strong, I left it for just over ten minutes), strain the tea into a bowl over the gel, and whisk or stir until well mixed. Add the coconut cream, vanilla extract, and sweetener(s) of choice, mix well, and pour into molds, ramekins, or container of choice. Let it set in the fridge at least four hours.

Mine separated into a tea level and a coconut cream level, but it's all tea flavored, spicy, refreshing, sweet, and delicious.

I'm going to try sweet tea flavor and give it a little heavy whipping cream and lemon juice, a ginger tea flavor with just a ton of steeped ginger, and a maple flavor, and most definitely pumpkin spice in the fall. Nom nom nom!

No Pants June

I have all these dresses. Love them, but didn't wear them frequently enough. It was necessary to figure out which ones I like, what it would take for me to wear them more often, and which ones my closet could maybe do without. How could one achieve this? Well, like everything else in my adulthood, it turned out the right answer was by force. I decided not to wear pants out of the house for the month of June. Dresses, skirts, tunics with leggings (only did that one twice) were all acceptable. I wore yoga pants once to get a facial and hit Costco, and shorts once for a trip to IKEA, but those were my only "cheats".

My wardrobe is basically color blocking. Greens, blues, reds, pinks, purples, black/grey, and very little in the way of print. Pairing a teal or turquoise with just the right red is a religion. Color blocking is just my whole jam.

I discovered three things:

1) The more tropical the print, the more colorful, splashy, and bright, the more I wanted to wear it.

2) I don't care who sees my legs. My ankles and my stretch marked backs of my knees have always been a source of shyness. I thought I would be more self conscious or conscious of the fact that my fat girl bike shorts were showing, but I didn't even care a little bit. Apologized for flashing everyone and moved on.

3) I love jeans.

A+ experiment, highly recommend.

Sweet Tea Pie

Inspired by the 2014 Texas State Fair's Deep Fried Sweet Tea, I decided I would try to recreate the texture of the custard in it in a pie. It was closest in texture, I thought, to a southern buttermilk pie, so I figured on replacing some of the buttermilk with tea with a little extra cream for texture. I used a store bought crust because I'm terrible at crusts and didn't have any graham crackers to make into crust, which would've been insanely delicious and the better choice than standard crust. So you can make and prep your own crust however you like. The State Fair version had a graham cracker coating before it was fried, and was served with a sweet tea syrup, I'm pretty sure it was just sweet tea made into a simple syrup, which I might try at a later date to drizzle over whipped cream on top of the pie.

Sweet Tea Pie Filling

3/4 c granulated sugar
1 tbsp arrowroot powder (cornstarch for those without corn intolerance)
1 tsp salt
2 eggs
5 egg yolks
1 cup strongly brewed black/orange pekoe/strong flavor of your choice tea
3/4 c low fat buttermilk
1/2 c heavy cream
4 tbsp unsalted butter
2 tsp lemon juice
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 tsp granulated sugar, reserved
1 tbsp cinnamon, optional

Place your cold oven racks on lower middle and upper middle positions, preheat to 300°F. Prep your pie crust of choice.

Brew your tea and let cool to room temperature. Whisk the 3/4 c sugar, arrowroot powder, salt, and cinnamon (if you're using it) in a large bowl with a pour spout. Melt the butter. In another bowl, whisk the eggs until they obtain slight foaming, whisk in the cream, butter, vanilla extract, and buttermilk. Combine wet and dry thoroughly, whisking as you go. Then whisk in the tea, and just before you pour into the crust, whisk in the lemon juice.

Once your pie crust of choice is ready to fill, whether you par bake or use graham cracker or store bought, place your crust in your pie plate on the lower rack, and push in until you can safely pour in the filling but not have to push the rack in too far, to prevent spilling. Bake 15 minutes, so it starts to gel up just a little bit, pull the rack out slightly and sprinkle the reserved 2 tsp sugar evenly across the top. If you don't spread it evenly, you'll have chunks of unmelted sugar on top like I did. Continue to bake for 25-35 minutes, until the pie jiggles slightly when shaken. Take the pie out of the oven and increase the temp to 450°F. Once it's at temperature, place the pie on the upper rack and bake until the sugar on top melts and turns golden brown, 5-10 minutes.

Allow to cool on a wire rack for 30-60 minutes, then refrigerate at least three hours before serving with whipped cream, it'd be really cute garnished with a lemon wedge.

It was pretty solidly well reviewed as delicious and creative, which I'll take.

The Foods of Our People

This month's potluck club theme was "The Food of Our People", which included family recipes, foods from places we grew up, and food from the old country. I don't have an "old country" so much, or really even family recipes, but man did I grow up eating a lot of tritip roasts. I make a rub that comes out to a quarter cup or so, made of a lot of parsley ground with coarse sea salt in a mortar and pestle, and then I add fresh ground pepper and stir in a bunch of crushed garlic. I take about a third and dry rub it onto the roast, and let it sit in the fridge for an hour. Then I add a little less and rub just before it goes on the grill. The remainder of the rub gets mixed with two tbsp good butter (Ina Garten style!). The meat gets seared, and then cooked on medium heat, and when it's pulled, the meat needs to rest a good ten minutes, but while it's resting I spread the butter mixture evenly on top.

For husband's people, we made poutine. Here's my recipe for poutine gravy that was made vegan only by the substitution of a vegan butter sub.
mushroom stock
dried porcini mushrooms
soy sauce
a red wine with body
fresh rosemary
fresh thyme
shallots
flour
butter
garlic cloves
starch - corn, potato, tapioca, or arrowroot powder

Heat half mushroom broth half water (I did 3/4c each), then add a handful of dried porcini mushrooms to reconstitute for 20 minutes. Mix a little of your starch with water and set aside.

Make a blond roux, and caramelize chopped shallots in it. Then pour in 5 cups mushroom stock, 1 cup hearty red wine, and two tbsp soy sauce, followed by the mushrooms reconstituting and the juice, being careful to leave behind a little liquid with sand and stuff that falls to the bottom. Whisk in four whacked garlic cloves, two branches of fresh rosemary, and a handful of fresh thyme branches.

Reduce by half and strain into a bowl or boat. Whisk in your starch mixture a little bit at a time until the back of a spoon stays coated to your preferred thickness.

Pour over fries and cheese curds for delicious.

Movin' On Up

We've had a busy, crazy summer. No need to go into details, but man, has it been rough. And now we're on our way to reaping rewards of our hard work. Last weekend, we partied to celebrate, and to commemorate our separation from the past and closing of chapters to move on in our story as individuals, as a couple, and as a family, I decided a cocktail was in order. 

I couldn't find a drink on the internet named the good riddance anywhere, so I had to come up with my own.

The Good Riddance

Pour into a lowball over ice:

4oz Reed's Premium Ginger Beer (the flavor with no cane sugar)

1.5oz Waterloo gin

0.5oz Benedictine

Add a swirl of honey to taste, let it sink.

Float a dash of peach bitters on top.

Like growth, it starts bitter, passes through complex layers, and ends sweet.

Full English / Fry Up Casserole

The theme of our pot luck dinner party club this month was breakfast for dinner. Most everyone else was bringing something with fruit and carbs, so I decided to go as protein as possible. I fell in love with the full English breakfast while studying abroad at Oxford, and was quickly corrected when ordering it in Scotland to call it a Fry Up while I was there. However, making and transporting all these things over separately was going to be really difficult, so I decided to go full southern housewife and turn it into an egg-based casserole. I can't get white or black pudding here, so I subbed a sage pork sausage, but you could use slices or chunks of pudding if you can find it. I also kept everything really simple, it's definitely a peasant dish.

Full English Breakfast Casserole
9 large eggs (more if they're small, you're looking for roughly 1.5 c)
1 c milk
1 tin Heinz beans
1 lb sausage
1.5 c rough chopped streaky bacon
1 rough chopped white onion
1.5 c rough chopped tomato
1 c rough chopped mushroom
1 c hash browns or sliced potato (optional)
1 c cheese of choice (optional)
1 tbsp herbs of choice, I used sage and coriander
oil, salt, pepper

Par cook the bacon, don't crisp it, just get it past floppy, and set to drain on some paper towels. Remove all but 1 tbsp of grease, use that to cook down the onion and mushrooms. Salt and pepper them to taste, keeping in mind the bacon, beans, and sausage are well seasoned and salty. The onions should be slightly translucent but still have some resistance, and the mushrooms should release liquid and shrink down a bit. Set these to drain as well, and remove any liquid from the pan. Brown the sausage next, but don't cook past medium, then set to drain on paper towels. I roasted my tomato and potato for 20 minutes at 350°F with a little olive oil, but you may skip this step (provided the potato is sliced very thinly or is in hash brown form). I can't eat Heinz beans because they use cornstarch and I have a corn intolerance, but I made my own with bacon grease, a tin of navy beans, 1 tsp white wine vinegar, some herbs, and 1 tsp tomato paste. I'd drain most of the sauce off if I were using Heinz, to keep the casserole from getting soggy. Whisk the eggs in a mixing bowl with a pour spout, then whisk in the milk. I recommend adding a tiny bit of salt and pepper to this mix, but again, keep in mind the saltiness of the sausage and bacon.

Preheat the oven to 350°F and grease a 9 x 13 Pyrex, and it's time to layer in deliciousness. Just placing things evenly spread over the whole pan, I put the potato in first, then ~1/3 of the cheese, then sausage, then beans, then tomato, then another 1/3 of the cheese, then bacon. Pour the egg and milk mixture over all of this, be careful not to over fill. If the bacon is sticking out, it'll crisp up nicely. Bake for 35-45 minutes until the egg has set up, then sprinkle in the remaining cheese and your herbs, and cover with foil for at least 5 minutes to melt the cheese.

I used less eggs than recommended, so it's not so full and fluffy.

I can't even explain how good this was. It sounds super complicated, but I can't wait to eat leftovers for breakfast for the next few days. As I understand it, and I could absolutely be wrong, but some people feel as strongly about hash browns not being part of a full English as Texans (incorrectly - but don't shoot me) feel about beans not being in chili, but I liked the texture. Leave them out if you like, I won't be upset. You could use cubed toast or day-old bread in it if you like. My husband doesn't like mushrooms or beans, but he actually ate both in this without realizing it, and liked it. I might try adding spinach, peas, and parm next time. The beauty of casserole is that you can add whatever the hell you want. I love casserole with all my tummy.

Stupid Delicious One Pot Arroz Con Pollo

1 T oil of choice
2 tsp minced garlic
1/2 large white or yellow onion, chopped
1 red bell pepper in strips
4-5 chicken breasts or thighs (bone/skin according to your preferences, for skinless add 1T oil)
2 c short grain rice
2 T pine nuts (optional)
3 c water (or your stock of choice), heated
3 T green olives (with or without pimento, sliced or whole doesn't matter)
1 lemon or lime, wedged
1/2 c peas (optional)
1 tsp parsley
1 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp saffron threads
1/2 tsp tumeric
1/2 tsp oregano
salt and pepper

Heat pan over medium heat, add oil. Pat chicken pieces with paper towel and salt and pepper them before putting into pan, skin side down if using skin on chicken. Brown first side, then flip and brown the other side. Remove chicken from pan, remove all but 2 T of oil/fat from the pan. Add garlic and onions, cook until browned slightly. Add rice and optional pine nuts and stir until all rice is coated and begins to smell slightly nutty, 2-3 min, add spices and herbs and salt/pepper to taste, then stir in 2.5 c boiling water and scrape the bottom of the pan to deglaze. Lay in bell pepper strips and olives around evenly, then set chicken back into pan on top. Lower heat to a simmer, cover, and cook untouched and unmoved for 20 minutes. If, after 20 minutes, the rice is not fully cooked/is dry, add 1/2 c hot water, cover, and leave alone for 5 minutes. If peas are desired, add and cover for 5 min. Squeeze lemon or lime juice over top before serving. The lime or lemon can be added at the same time as the peas to heat through if desired.

The idea is to get the chicken done cooking at the same time as the rice. Technically this is one pot because I used a kettle to boil my water. If you want to use longer grain rice you can, I used arborio because it's soft and fluffy. I used boneless skinless thighs because I'm lazy, and sliced green olives without pimento because I don't like pimento. I'm trying so hard not to eat it all in one sitting.

Quick Cinnamon Rolls, potentially a coffee cake.

I made these cinnamon rolls, kluged together from a couple of recipes.

• 3 c flour

• 1/4 tsp. salt

• 4 tsp baking powder

• 1/2 c sugar

• 2 eggs

• 2/3 c milk

• 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract

• 1/2 c butter or shortening–melted but not hot (I used coconut oil)

filling

• 1/4 c melted butter

• 3 tsp cinnamon

• 1/2 c sugar

topping

• 1/4 c brown sugar

• 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract

• 1/2 c melted butter

• optional 1/2 c nuts, citrus zest, chocolate chips, or dried fruit

frosting

• 1/2 stick butter

• 1/2 package of cream cheese (I used neufchatel)

• 1/2 c powdered sugar - add more to get correct texture and depending on humidity

In a small bowl, lightly beat eggs until mixed, add milk, extract, and butter. In a separate bowl, sift together flour, salt, baking powder, and sugar. Make a well in the center and pour in wet ingredients. Once the dough comes together, turn it onto a floured board and knead for 1 minute. If it's sticky, sprinkle with flour. Roll dough into a 9" x 13" rectangle (give or take).

Mix together filling ingredients, and spread onto the dough leaving 1/2" from the edges. Roll into a long log and cut with a sharp knife into ~18 individual rolls. line up in buttered 9" x 13" pan, leaving some space for expansion. Pour topping over entire pan evenly. Bake in a preheated 350° oven for 25-30 minutes or until golden.

Allow to cool 5-10 minutes. Whip together frosting ingredients, then spread frosting evenly over the top of the whole pan. Cover pan to slightly melt frosting, or serve sooner. Alternatively, they can be turned out, frosted, and served upside down.

Alternatively, because this wasn't really a good pull-apart rolls recipe, I think this would be delicious as a coffee cake if it were doubled and layered into a greased bundt pan with a streusel made from 1 stick butter, 1 cup brown sugar, 1 cup flour, and a couple of tsp of cinnamon cut together with a fork or pastry cutter. I'm sure it would need to cook a little longer, if you're a strict recipe follower I'd say start with 30 minutes and then cook until it returns a dry toothpick or cake pick.

It fulfilled the need for cinnamon roll without the, like, six hour process... and they were almost gone after brunch. Woo.

Potato Nommage

Potato salad? Yes, please. It's the 4th of July.

So the trick to great potato salad is there is no trick. I made a fab bleu cheese potato salad last night for a BBQ night. I used my bleu cheese dressing recipe, posted earlier, and skipped the sour cream and buttermilk. Instead, I added roughly a tablespoon of dijon mustard and some dill and a handful more bleu cheese crumbles.

To this I added about three pounds of yukon gold potatoes that had been chunky diced and boiled in water that is salty like sea water; it's how I cook basically any starch. Cooking time varies depending on your stove, how small your chunks are, and how many potatoes you use. When they're fork-tender, drain them in a colander but don't rinse, let them cool for a few minutes. At this point I poured a tablespoon of regular milk into a mixing bowl big enough to toss in, and then put half the potatoes in. To this I added the dressing which had been marinating for a few hours. Adding it hot melted the cheese and melded the flavors together. The milk on the bottom helps keep the potatoes from sticking to the bowl. Once half the potatoes are coated, add the rest of the potatoes and mix around. If the dressing is too tight, add a little milk. Once the consistency is right and all the potatoes are coated, taste it and see if you need salt or pepper. Let it cool down for maybe 20 minutes or so before refrigerating, you could serve it hot or cold, I like it both ways. I added a little too much salt last night, so I wound up adding the juice of a small lemon to brighten it back up.

So tasty, y'all.

The Big C (M)

I know it's a weird trite thing to say, but I really never thought I'd get married until after I got my shit all together. I've learned from reddit and google that this is a very common unfounded belief for women in my peer group.

Next month I'll turn 30, and I'm the luckiest person in the world. I got to marry my best friend, greatest lover, and most inspiring coconspirator. His family loves and accepts me. My brother is happy. I've found the best job that utilizes and suits all of my talents, skill, and abilities, and doesn't feel like work.

I didn't have the support network before to focus on fixing the things that I've been unable to address, namely, my health. First thing I learned is that my doc says I need to get under 200lbs before she'd encourage me to have kids, which is less than I anticipated and much more attainable within a year.

The second thing I needed to do was to get my moles checked. I had a mole biopsy taken, 2-3 stitches to be removed after ten days, and the results were supposed to take up to seven days. It only took them two days to have the result from the lab. Sure enough, it turns out I have melanoma. It's stage one (T1B), and it doesn't appear to have spread, but it was ulcerated, which is not as positive as it could be. It only went .86mm below the surface of my skin, which is positive (greater than 1mm is another classification). In a week or so, I'll be having an excision of the skin around it, along with sentinel (closest) lymph to biopsy to confirm the not-spread nature. Even if it has spread to the lymph, a shallow mole that's spread to lymph is easier to treat than a deeper one would be. My options if it has spread to the lymph remain a mystery to me. Because I value my sanity, avoiding internet diagnoses like the plague (hurr) seems to be the best option, but I was assured by the dermatologist that there are plenty of options we could explore if that happens.

When I heard the news, I was babysitting my friend's four year old twins (they were our ring bearers), and we were just finishing lunch at Burger King. I immediately started crying, the boys crawled under the table to come and hug me and hand me napkins, and I hugged them back and sent them to the play place so I could finish the conversation and gather the remaining information from my doctor. After getting off the phone, I threw out the trash, gathered my things, refilled my drink, and popped out the door to the tables in the play place to better observe the boys. Tears have never been something I've been able to fight, and this news ensured my eyes would remain pretty constantly leaky for the next 36 hours or so.

One of the two women who were watching their own children turned to me and asked if the boys were mine, and whether they were twins. "Mine are twins, but fraternal. I just love identicals, they're so cute. Are you okay?" she asked, and my answer was "Yeah, I just got some bad news, I promise. I'm just a crier."

Another five minutes of sobbing passed with me texting the people I needed to tell, explaining my stupidly dramatic cryptic tweet which read only, "Woo, I have cancer!" (that I'd intended to be more comical because of the enthusiasm but it didn't really come across in that medium). She asked again, "Are you sure you're okay?" I tried to get out what it was but I was in the middle of a blubber, so I sipped some more tea, and said, clearly, "I'm sorry I sent the boys out here, I swear I'm not the kind of irresponsible person who'd send four year olds alone to a playground. I was just given a diagnosis of skin cancer. It's only stage one and I'll be okay, but I'm scared."

What followed was about ten minutes of preaching at me from this woman and the other mother who'd wandered over, about how we serve a god of healing and how I have to trust in him to heal me. She said, "No matter where you are in your walk, would you allow me to pray over you?" and being alone in small town Kyle, Texas, I felt like it would've been super rude to suddenly be like, "No thanks," especially because she was very sincere and it truly came from a place of love. Besides, even if I don't believe that her god is real or for me, it made her feel better and was a comfort to me for a stranger to be compassionate. It's a trait I really strive for, so when it's shown to me, I can't find it in myself to reject it. So she prayed, we hugged, and they all left, and it was me and the twins. I let them play until I'd taken enough deep breaths to not be quite as blubbery, and we headed back to the house.

I felt really bad that I may have scared the twins, but they've been raised so well that they understand that sometimes people are sad and they know how to be comforting and empathetic. They're such little men, and if our children can be half as incredible and extraordinary as each of those twins, I'll consider us successful parents.

So that's the story of how I learned I have cancer. The farther from hearing her confirm it over the phone, the less terrified I am. In two weeks or so, it should be confirmed that I'm completely free of it. I have frequent head to toe skin checks to look forward to until I die, because apparently I wasn't naked in front of doctors enough. I'm not looking forward to the scar (though the dermatologist has assured me there is a lot we can do to fix that once it's been removed), or the itching that indicates healing.

The things that make me feel good are that I'm being taken care of, and when I ask for distractions my friends have been able to provide endless hours of internet entertainment. Plus, hockey's back from the lockout and the NHL channels have a free preview until Jan 31, so we've been watching a lot of excellent out-of-market games.

So wear physical/mineral sunscreen, and get your moles checked. Eat your oatmeal, and drink your milk. And stay in school. And don't whiz on the electric fence.

Bleu cheese dressing and one of my favorite things on which to put it

I've been perfecting this dressing for months now. I LOVE bleu cheese and its dressing. You'll find all manner of people posting on recipe hack forums trying to find the Chris' & Pitt's BBQ bleu cheese recipe, that's the standard with which I grew up. I feel like my standards are pretty high, and my expectations are rarely met. I like a dressing to be thick but creamy, chunky but not with massive chunks, fresh tasting, and not too heavily seasoned so that I can still add fresh pepper to my salad, or use peppered bacon in the recipe below the dressing.

Since the Greek yogurt craze is in full swing and doesn't look to be going anywhere any time soon, I'm hoping to keep making my dressing this way, so that I always have a kind of dressing I can eat. Lots of dressings contain corn products in some form or another, including distilled white vinegar, corn starch, HFCS, and corn syrup, so it's hard for me to find a reliable brand that meets my standards and doesn't cost a million dollars a bottle. I made this mostly with things I already keep on hand, the buttermilk is the only thing I had to actually go out and buy.

Amazeballs Bleu Cheese Dressing

1/2 c low fat buttermilk
1 c nonfat greek yogurt
3 tbsp regular sour cream
1 5oz pkg bleu cheese
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp dried tarragon
1/2 tsp ground kosher salt
1/4 tsp ground white pepper
fresh ground black pepper - start with 1/2 tsp, add to taste

Make sure the bleu cheese is crumbled small enough for your taste. Put everything, buttermilk first, into a jar, and shake well. Add a little more buttermilk if you like it a little runnier.

Putting buttermilk in first makes the shaking go faster, because you don't have the thick yogurt sticking to the bottom. I also put the salt, pepper, and herbs in the middle of the jar, so they don't get all stuck to the top or bottom.

Notes on the months it took me to get here:

- You could substitute minced garlic, but it gives the dressing a much sharper taste, even with minced roasted garlic, it was just way too sharp to be pleasurable.
- Fresh tarragon would be delicious but I'd probably have used a little less than dried, and our local groceries don't stock it frequently enough.
- PLEASE use full fat sour cream. It's not that bad, and the light gives a weird texture to the finished product.
- This lasts about a week in the fridge; I didn't try freezing it so I've no idea whether it'd thaw well.



I could be boring and put this on a salad, but here's what I plan to put it on tomorrow (Thanksgiving, my second favorite holiday):

Brussels, Bacon, and Shrooms

3 parts brussels sprouts
2 parts baby portabella mushrooms
1 part bacon (I use pepper bacon and use less fresh ground pepper)
garlic cloves to taste
parsley
salt and pepper

Clean the sprouts, they can either be whole or halved for this recipe. Halve or quarter the mushrooms so they're roughly the same size or slightly larger than the sprouts. I like to cut the bacon strips into 1" pieces, but you do whatever your heart desires.

I start the bacon in a pan, just long enough to render a little of the grease, about halfway to edible. While that's going, put the sprouts, garlic cloves, shrooms, parsley and salt and pepper into a lightly oiled baking dish and mix together. I use a 9 x 13 Pyrex rather than the cookie sheet I usually roast veggies on, because the mushrooms tend to give off a lot of liquid.

Put the bacon evenly over top of the sprouts and shrooms, and pour the grease evenly over the whole pan. Keeping the bacon on top allows the grease to drip down into the veg and make them taste awesome.

Roast in a 425° oven roughly 25-30 minutes, it may take up to 45 minutes if you leave the sprouts whole.

Serve hot with slotted spoon to prevent mushroom juice sloshing, spoon bleu cheese dressing over top.

Natural Disasters and the Claims of Christian Fundamentalists

A pact with the devil caused the earthquake in Haiti.

Hurricane Isaac was god's proof he could take out any fire related desert hippie fest, no matter the size.

God targeted Hindus, Muslims, and Buddhists of Asia with his tsunami.

I've been hearing it all my life. Immoral behavior, turning away from god, homosexuality, pornography, Hollywood, the liberals; all of these things incur god's wrath in the form of natural disasters.

In the Bible, there are several ties between morality and natural disasters. In the story most frequently told (not to mention, used as as children's room decor theme) the world had become so wicked that a flood was sent to cover the whole of it. Pharaoh's heart-hardening in Exodus was the cause of plagues, nine of which were some form of natural disaster (the tenth was probably ninjas). There was an earthquake that released the chains of everyone imprisoned with Paul and Silas that may or may not have been accompanied by Paul hearing the voice of an angel telling him to leave.

There are also a few examples of death directly due to immoral behavior. Ananias and Sapphira in the new testament died after lying about the dollar figure of their tithe. The first child of David and Bathsheeba died because of its father's sin.

Those were precise, targeted punishments for sin. If Hurricane Isaac was supposed to punish whatever crazy things that preacher believes happens at Burning Man, why didn't the hurricane show up during and in the region wherein Burning Man took place?

If god's aim has gotten that imprecise, is it laziness? Who wants to worship a lazy god?

Would a perfect being flex their muscles at a bunch of hippies by beating up the poor?

Why do fundamentalists always go back to the lamest reasons for things, instead of taking action to help those affected? What is their fetish for victim blaming all about? Feed the hungry. House the homeless. Care for the widowed and orphaned.

Christianity, I am disappoint.

Tomato Pie made easy

I started with the Kerbey Lane recipe that I found all over the internet, and modified it because I really don't like crust. By don't like, I mean I can't eat store bought ones due to the corn intolerance, and I don't enjoy making them because I'm lazy. I don't keep mayo around the house, so I just left it out. Also, I'm going to start formatting my recipes so they're easy enough for someone who takes cooking directions very literally can make whatever.

Ingredients:
2 lb tomatoes
2 tbsp (to taste) sliced olives (I used a Greek mix, kalamata work)
1/2 c plain greek yogurt
1/2 c feta crumbles
2 tbsp separate feta or gruyere cheese
4 big leaves fresh basil, chopped
1 tsp lime juice
1 tube premade butter flavored biscuits (not jumbo sized)
salt

Give the tomatoes a good rough dice (small enough for bite size, but perfectly diced tomatoes are for pico), lightly salt, and drain tomatoes for 10 minutes. Mix olives into tomatoes and spread evenly over the bottom of a lightly greased 9" glass pie plate.

Preheat oven to 350°F.

Mix basil, yogurt, feta, and lime juice together. Spread yogurt mixture over tomatoes and olives, keeping 1/2" away from the sides. spread feta or gruyere over top. Take the biscuits and place them around the edge, putting the last one for the middle. You could also cut them into quarters and spread them over the whole top if you like them more well done. Bake for 30 minutes or until the biscuits are golden brown.

If you want to make a double recipe, a 9x13 would be a nice deeper dish.

My experience with Reddit so far

I've read reddit for years, but I got sick of just looking at the regular front page and whatever people linked me, and finally signed up for an account so I could collect all my favorite subreddit topics and stop going directly to the links.

Week one, I felt like I was in livejournal land all over again. I loved the anonymity, and I felt like I was returning to a place where I belonged. I was semi-doxxed and chased away from Slashdot, someone replied with links to all of my online presence and the university I was attending on every single comment I posted.

Week two, I was still finding subreddits to add to my subscriptions, the level of specificity was excellent, while not surprising. I commented a little, and posted an actual personal response I thought might actually help someone, which they messaged me after and said it was helpful.

Week three was more of the same. I commented a few times, played grammar police on some heavily down voted posts.

Week four, I finally decided to post my first thing. I've been trying to build clientele, and I was trying to legitimately ask a question. I was trying to downplay the self promotion while also explaining what I do and what I've already done. Right now I'm sitting at three up and five down votes, and I'm really bummed out about it. What did I do wrong? Nothing.

I don't know why I'm disappointed, I shouldn't have felt like I belonged and somehow had found somewhere that would embrace me just... 'cause.

It's just people on the internet, like everywhere else.

Lightness (RANT warning)

Weight loss. Every fat girl thinks about it. No one can stop reminding us. Ads, magazines, tv, commercials, mothers, girlfriends, spam email. And now, as I'm preparing to have a wedding, of course it's intensified exponentially. Everything is "get fit now" this and "have the best shoulders ever" that. I'm sick of it. Oh god, this could get ranty.

The really hard part? I'm also really sick of being overweight and unhealthy. I love my body, don't get me wrong. I make great food choices but add too much sugar. I maintain my weight very easily, especially considering the levels of stress hormone pumping through my veins my entire adult life.

The hardest part, for me, is finding motivation to do something I despise. I love swimming and water aerobics, but the pool I have access to is surrounded by oak trees, to which I'm severely allergic. It's also in direct sunlight and I can't afford that much sunblock. I LOVE doing bikram yoga more than any other exercise I've ever done, but it's ungodly expensive. I hate the feeling of working out. I hate feeling the pain of scoliosis, I hate being uncomfortable on bike seats made for already tight asses, I hate being sweaty and feeling like I'll never cool back down. I hate it all. I hate having to wipe down machinery. I hate having to peel off lycra clothing. I hate crappy sports bras, the bound breast feeling is awful.

I hate diets. I always make them into some kind of mindfuck game. I tried Weight Watchers for a couple of months in my early 20s, I was eating five one point items a day, two pieces of fruit, and two cups of black coffee. I wish I could hug that me. I was panicked about whether I would get up in the middle of the night and need a beer or a glass of wine, or worse, a spoonful of ice cream, and not remember it the next morning. I tried writing down what I eat, because that is supposed to automatically make you eat less, since writing it down makes you feel more accountable. That was even worse than the Weight Watchers incident.

I also hate living in a culture that marginalizes fatties like me. I feel like I shouldn't be taken less seriously or made fun of for my weight. Even my own family, when they were speaking to me, never failed to ask if I was losing weight. Everyone growing up seemed to be hoping to lose weight. Mom was on several drugs and diets, and after age 50, like most other people on her side of the family, she was finally able to shake most of the excess weight and drop out of plus sizes into a large at her smallest.

You know what else I hate? BMI. Who came up with this shit? I'm muscular. I know I'm fat too, but even at a size six in high school I was Popeye-arm-curvy and had calves too big for normal shaft width boots of any kind, and a full D cup. If you'd taken my BMI when I was 14 and had 17% body fat, I would've been labeled obese. I have broader set bones, a hell of a lot of mammary tissue, and muscles. I still have normal blood pressure and, despite having diabetic and hypoglycemic relatives, I don't appear to have issues related to blood sugar. My corn product intake is extremely low, due to my intolerance of it.

I'm tired of people trying to tell me all about their diets. I'm tired of people who are of equal or healthier weights telling me about their fat or their weight loss plans. I know the basics of most diets. I know how to proportion my food. I know how to exercise and count calories. Hell, I know how to calculate Weight Watchers points. I can tell you that excluding carbohydrates is a stupid and impossible idea, and that vegan diets aren't going to work for someone who craves dairy products. I go through one half gallon of 1% milk a week.

I don't know what my point is anymore. I want to lose weight because it'll make my life easier; but I'm not interested in making my entire life about only that. I want to be healthy, but not at the cost of my self esteem or confidence, or because I'm caving to some kind of social pressure. I don't want to be congratulated for losing weight, I wouldn't even know how to react to that. I can't stand to do exercise that doesn't consume my entire attention and leave me brain power enough to be able to think about doing anything else. My back problems limit what I'm able to do. Ugh, ugh to the whole thing!

Drunk Bacon Sweet Potatoes

My general philosophy on art, crafting, cooking, makeup, hair, etc. is that everything is optional. If you don't like pecans? Leave 'em out or use walnuts, pistachios, or macadamias. Don't like/can't have bacon? Leave it out or substitute turkey bacon or fakon. Don't like rum? Use a little more bourbon or leave it out. See? Problem solved.

That having been said, I was tired of not liking sweet potatoes prepared in a sweet way. I like them savory. But I had a similar recipe to this at Mr. Pirate Queen's work holiday party in 2010 that I actually liked, and I decided to try to replicate it. It's really not overly sweet, the alcohol flavor and the pecans help balance the sweetness.

I call these drunk because they contain a decent amount of alcohol. Also, just like any recipe, the amounts can be scaled up or down for smaller or larger batches.

3 lb sweet potato

1/2 c bourbon

1/4 c rum (I used Captain Morgan silver, it's what I have on hand, plus I like spiced rum in this)

1/4 c maple syrup (real, 100% maple syrup)

1/2 stick butter (room temperature makes it easier)

6 strips bacon, cooked but not crispy, and sliced (optional, you could also use more or less)

2 tbsp cinnamon

2 tbsp kosher salt

2 tbsp pecan pieces (optional, also, chunk your own, or buy them halved or pieced, doesn't matter)

for the streusel topping:

1 c brown sugar

1 c flour

1 stick room temperature butter

cinnamon to taste

Parboil and then peel the sweets, depending on their weight this could be anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes. Parboiling is just boiling something before you cook it another way, to bring down the cooking time and/or, in this case, to make the skin easier to peel off. Once they're peeled, chunk them into relatively even sized chunks. I think this all fit in a 9 x 13 for me, with one serving leftover to go into one of my glass bake and store dishes. I put all the other ingredients into a bowl except bacon and pecans and mixed them, then mashed it into the sweets with a potato masher. I fold the bacon and pecans in separate, just to prevent them from getting mashed up. Then, spread it around evenly into a greased pan.

This streusel topping I use for everything from muffins to pies to really anything baked and sweet. All you do is cream together a cup of some kind of sugar, a cup of flour, and a stick of butter. Easiest recipe in the world. It'll keep in a fridge as long as butter keeps, so I like to sprinkle it on some of whatever I'm cooking. I spread it all over the top of the sweet potato mixture in the pan. All you do at this point is bake in a 350° oven for 20-40 minutes, depending on how long you parboiled. It should be tender and hot through the middle, but if you overcook it, the starch will break down and they'll turn to mush.

Note: I've used uncooked bacon in this and it cooked through, but it also shrank and left pits in the surrounding potato which was weird. Honestly, for time and sanity's sake, I use precooked bacon from Costco because I can freeze it and thaw as needed more easily than most bacon.